


don't care how long it takes, my heart is yours to break

by melancholyandserendipity



Category: QCYN2, THE9 (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: AU, F/F, Light Angst, not really angst tho idk, someone else does :), yu yan doesn't debut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25266943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melancholyandserendipity/pseuds/melancholyandserendipity
Summary: in which yu yan doesn’t debut with THE9. these are her conversations with keni for the next year after the finale because it takes them a whole year to see each other again.
Relationships: Yu Yan/Zeng Keni
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	don't care how long it takes, my heart is yours to break

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact my first ever fic was in second person and it's actually terrifying to be writing in this pov again, pls let me know whatever constructive criticism you have about that!! i almost rewrote this whole thing to make it third person but maybe it feels closer to yu yan like this.
> 
> also unbeta'd as always and i wrote this on impulse bc of that birthday vid

“now I will announce the trainee that ranked ninth.” kun stands at the podium of the other stage ever so calmly, in contrast to nai wan and keni already tearing up with linked hands.

“she got 3 788 898 votes from youth producers.”

“congratulations zeng keni for joining the9!” of all things you thought keni would do, you didn’t expect her to rush over for a hug, pulling you in like a magnet and refusing to let go. you hold her hand for the last time before almost pushing her to the long path and just like that, keni is on her runway.

and you’re going back home.

_i’m proud of you, zeng keni._

-+-

it takes keni two days to reply to anyone because she slept so much that was almost a bet on her and keyin. but she wakes up and calls you with a semi-dry throat and one yawn too many.

“you should really work on that essay for your fans y’know”

she groans on the other end and you know she’s already thought about it for too long. “aish i’m so bad at writing about it though, i keep typing then deleting then typing.”

“ill ghostwrite it for 1000 rmb.” the sound of keni’s laugh makes you want to run out and take the old scooter to wherever she is in the city.

“shut up, neither of us even have pictures from changlong.”

“guess we’ll have to see each other soon then.”

“exactly. what are you doing?” you don’t miss how keni quickly changes the topic, but it doesn’t matter.

“nothing.” and then with a click of your tongue, “i was painting.”

“oh my god yu yan! that’s great. what is it though?” your five second silence seems to be enough of an answer for keni. “aww, yu yan what if i fall in love?!”

“pfft, as if i needed to work for that.”

keni giggles and you know you’re right. “make sure i’m pretty!”

“you always are, dummy.”

-+-

lingzi asks you a question on one of your rehearsal days. it’s funny how joinhall wanted you to become a soloist but they put you in a “performance” group for an event the moment you get out of changlong. but you don’t question it, and the three other girls are fun to catch up with anyway.

“did you really know you weren’t gonna debut since may?”

you wonder if keni told lingzi, if she’s been holding back this question all this time. “april. my company wanted me to be a soloist instead, said they had bigger plans for me.”

you remember keni being angry about it. angrier than you even, swearing at your company and talking about what you deserve and dreams they were sabotaging. dreams you were supposed to reach together. you remember letting keni be angry enough for both of you until she started crying and you had to make it stop.

“why didn’t you fight for it?” this was something keni yelled at you for in may, after they announced you at 15, and you had to gasp like everyone else who knew you deserved better. why didn’t fearless soldier yu yan fight two companies for her right spot in the top 20? you never gave keni an answer because you don’t know it either. so you shrug at lingzi and she nods, nothing else has to be said.

-+-

after getting a notification about respecting the name zeng ni paid for, you get a video call from the birthday girl.

“i got a drumset.” she’s beaming and it makes you smile back because look at her. there’s something in her smile that makes it contagious, and it’s your favourite smile in the world.

“mhmm i saw your pink drumsticks.” you playfully cock an eyebrow at her, “do you even have time to learn that?”

“maybe. i don’t know, our schedules are weird.” she sighs a little but gets distracted again, looking around at her pile of gifts, it makes you wonder if she’s gotten _yours_.

“ah that company really…”

“if you were here you’d probably just be cooking anyway.” keni says it so nonchalantly just a little over a week after the finale and it makes you freeze a little. you had accepted your rank long before it was decided but only now do you feel knife twist in your chest with her unsaid words. _you should be here._

but it’s keni’s birthday so you just flash your trapezoid smile back at her, “ah? and who would you replace for me, zeng keni?”

“yu yan!” if you were there you know she would’ve slapped your arm already, and god do you wish you were.

-+-

you’re barely awake that morning when your phone rings and you don’t even check the id to know the voice on the other end. “how was shanghai?”

“i got tricked by xueer.” you yawn into your phone and know keni doesn’t mind, she’s probably calling because she’s sleepy too.

“ah pretty girls really are deceitful.”

you hear some noise on the other line that helps you deduce she must be in a shoot right now, probably not music related at all but it makes you a little glad they’re not just sitting around like you both did four years ago. but that thought gets shaken off quickly when you remember,

“dai meng said we should have a weak girls reunion soon.”

“ugh, you should’ve gone to shanghai that time.”

you can almost hear keni rolling her eyes a little when you say, “you should’ve gone to shanghai yesterday.”

“…i heard we’re moving actually”

“from beijing to shanghai?” you know she’s probably stupidly nodding into her phone right now but it was a dumb question too anyway. there’s a pregnant silence that digs under your skin before keni speaks again.

“yu yan? they’re asking for me now but i’ll call you again later okay?”

keni doesn’t call _later_ but it’s fine because you weren’t expecting her to call anyway.

-+-

it’s past midnight when the familiar anime ringtone echoes through your room. sometimes it feels like you and keni are in different timezones, but that doesn’t stop her from calling or you from answering. “you should reply to my comment on weibo!”

you know keni’s grinning and you laugh because this might be her poorest excuse to call so far. “people are going to find out that you miss me!”

“pfft people don’t even think you like me.”

“good. they don’t need to, my love is only yours.” you don’t even know what annoying impulse makes you say that but you end the call quickly enough to not hear keni’s response, breath hitched in your throat as you actively avoid the ringing from your phone.

except keni is everywhere. she’s in the ink on your skin, in every memory your brain cherishes, in a permanent location in your heart. and yet you still crave more of her, because she’s not here either.

you do reply to her comment later, and the barrage of texts that come from keni after makes you smile through your sleep.

-+-

the days go by quickly and there are less calls, less texts even. the9 is actually recording their first album now by some miracle, and you don’t really expect anything from keni anymore. you get it. but some winter nights are noticeable colder, when there’s no clingy giant next to you and you remember that coldness is the absence of warmth.

for a moment, you consider calling her first. but keni’s the busier one, the idol, the one you should be adapting to. so you let your thumb hover over the call button, and hope she’ll press it instead. she does it on the first day of capricorn season and she’s going on about her stomach when you say, “you should really stop eating so much barbeque”

“and you should stop telling girls to starve themselves!” keni chuckles, because this is a conversation you’ve had before. “how did you even know that…stalker?”

“jiaqi told me you’ve been eating it for three straight days.”

there’s a light cackle on the other end before keni speaks clearly again, “oh my god you hired xu jiaqi to spy on me?”

“no…jiaqi and the princess.” you furrow your eyebrows because you didn’t really _hire_ xueer and jiaqi, you just asked them to update every now and then. but saying that out loud feels even more ridiculous now.

“what a couple of lying spies!” she playfully exclaims and you know the three will probably do something crazy later but keni gets back to topic in a second. “and my craving for it has just been intense lately.”

“i should send you real food.”

keni doesn’t respond for a few seconds, and the pause really makes you wish you were there instead. “no, you should come here instead. i remember shuxin saying something about inviting all the girls to her house.”

“that’s ridiculous, i’m not cooking for 109 girls.”

“well if you count the quads out, it’ll only be 105.” you snort a little as you hold it in but join keni’s laughing anyway.

“dummy, i’ll cook _for_ _you_ someday.” and it’s a promise you’ll make sure to keep.

-+-

“it’s 2 am, zeng keni.” you groan a little but you both know you weren’t sleeping either.

there’s a soft thud on the other line that lets you know she’s lying on her bed now, and the slightly muffled voice gives it away. “practice just finished”

“and you’re calling me because?”

“…i couldn’t sleep.” except she can because she’s exhausted. and if you think about it hard enough maybe you can feel her tired breathing through the phone, a reminder of so many nights just like this, but with each other. you can tell she’s actually ten seconds away from passing out so you don’t get why she’s calling you in the middle of the night just to—

“i wanted to hear your voice.”

the blood rushes to your face and you feel your lips curving up in immediate response, but keni doesn’t need to know your heart just leapt out of your chest. “okay. hi.”

“sing for me please.”

“you’re the idol here.”

“so are you, you should be our main vocal really.” you scoff before keni whines softly, “yu yannn”

“fine.” keni falls asleep halfway through _lullaby_ and it makes you laugh a little. you sing _lion cat_ for her before ending the call and drifting off with a smile on your face.

_rest well, you dumb baby._

* * *

shuxin actually does end up inviting the girls over, at least the top 60 and whoever else wanted to go. you roam around the rooms of her penthouse (probably just one of her family’s many properties) until you decide to stick around the balcony for now.

there’s a chorus of screams that makes you turn your head only to see that keni, jiaqi, and xueer have arrived and the other girls don’t hold back in giving them a warm welcome. it’s a relief you’re not holding anything right now because you feel your hands shake a little, keeping them behind your back as keni meets your eyes and then, she smiles.

_hi._ she mouths at you and you smile back, probably looking like an idiot. it’s taking all of your willpower to keep your legs from wobbling over and you don’t think you’ve smiled this much in the past year, you don’t think you’ve missed anyone this much in your whole life.

you wonder why she’s so pushy about keeping in touch, even when she was ten times busier than you she was still trying. and here she is now, thousand-watt smile and margarita in hand as if she wouldn’t rather stay at home and play with mantou. but then you remember, she’s here because—

“you’re here!” keni states the obvious and you chuckle, because she was already grinning at you from behind the tall glass window and smiling even wider as she came closer.

you don’t really realize how long she’s been in front of you and how long you’ve been just there but her soft giggle shakes you out of it, “you’re staring.”

“well it’s been a long time.” _too long._ you don’t add it in but you sigh instead, eyes darting between the love of your life and the bright stars that form orion. _are we just another tragedy?_

“our schedules never really clicked.”

“and you were in shanghai.” then suddenly keni’s empty margarita glass is the most interesting thing in the world.

“ _you’re_ in shanghai now.” keni smirks when she points out the obvious again, but you look at her again and know that both of you can’t play right now. this one night you have with each other might not come again for another half year, or more. you wonder if you even deserve it.

“it was still hard. and yet you insist on…this.” you’re not really sure if you’re referring to her 2am calls or the long distance whatever or both, but you ask anyway, “why?”

“it’s may 30 today right? it’s been a year since i decided…” the world fades for a second because keni’s looking at you like you hung the very stars you’re looking at tonight but you look back to see galaxies in her eyes and in an instant, you’re back to that same night she talks about.

you remember that night; when keni ran to you first, when she did her salute just for you, when she didn’t want to let go. maybe somewhere out there you would’ve been the one saluting to her, maybe in another life you would both be on the other side of the stage. but at least in this universe—

“i won’t let go of you this time.”

**Author's Note:**

> so i had been thinking of writing a finale fic for a while now because those gifs and vids of yuni hugging during the finale and doing that salute aren't good for my stability HAHAHA and it was originally a series of yu yan's convo's w keyin, jiaqi, xueer, and finally keni that all go back to memories in changlong based on the clips we have etc etc
> 
> but i felt like i've been dwelling on keni debut for so long why don't we just make it happen, but with a twist kinda LOL. let me know what you thought of this!! see u after the next yuni crumb <3
> 
> also title is from odds // NIKI and the song yu yan sings to keni is lullaby // IU


End file.
